OTHER MOVIE SUPERLATIVES
ROUND 2 MOVIES
Movies we watched in 2021
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BEST MAN CLEAVAGE
Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bloodsport
Runners Up:
Sean Connery, Zardoz
Steven Seagal, Hard To Kill
David Hasselhoff, Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield
BEST COSTUME (MALE)
We have a two-way tie!
Everything Sylvester Stallone wears, Rhinestone
Steven Seagal's moose knuckle jeans, Hard To Kill
Runners Up:
Leather daddy Patrick Swayze, Skatetown, U.S.A.
David Hasselhoff's leather wardrobe, Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield
BEST COSTUME (FEMALE)
Meg Ryan's dystopian desert designs, Cherry 2000
Runners Up:
Denise Richards' end scene outfit, Tammy And The T-Rex
Evil nurse in Frederick's of Hollywood couture, Tammy And The T-Rex
Andrea Strucker in push-up bra fashion villain chic, Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield
BEST COSTUMES (ENTIRE CAST)
70's roller skating couture, Skatetown, U.S.A.
Runners Up:
Man speedos + bandoliers and macrame tops on both genders, Zardoz
Overalls + no shirt underneath and tube tops galore, Raw Force
Full leather outfits, Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield
MOST EXCESSIVE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
Sex trafficking Chinese prostitutes to cannibal island, Raw Force
Runners Up:
Beach rapin' and yeeting women into stacks of hay, Zardoz
Dismembering the Easton strip club cast, Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell
BEST ROMANCE
(Unanimously): Denise Richard and an animatronic dinosaur, Tammy And The T-Rex
Runners Up:
Steven Seagal and Kelly LeBrock, Hard To Kill
Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton, Rhinestone
Melanie Griffith and that dopey robot fetishist, Cherry 2000
Patrick Swayze and Kirkland brand Mark Hamill's implied bromance, Skatetown, U.S.A.
STEAMIEST SCENE
Patrick Swayze's leather daddy roller skating routine, Skatetown, U.S.A.
Runners Up:
Jean-Claude Van Damme's nude peach butt reveal, Bloodsport
Jail cell human woman/werewolf sex, Wolfcop
Sex and spaghetti scene, Raw Force
Denise Richards' bridal lingerie striptease for a sentient brain, Tammy And The T-Rex
BEST DISEMBODIED BRAIN CONNECTED TO WIRES
Tammy And The T-Rex
Runners Up:
Frankenstein Island
Does Cherry 2000 getting short circuited in bubbles count?
BEST OSCAR-WORTHY ACTING IN A SHITTY MOVIE
Edgar Allen Poe prisoner, Frankenstein Island
Runners Up:
Denise Richards, Tammy And The T-Rex
Patrick Swayze, Skatetown, U.S.A.
Sandra Hess as Andrea Von Strucker, Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield
Monologuing mayor, Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell
MOST INEXPLICABLE FUTURISTIC TECHNOLOGY
(Unanimously) Giant disembodied head puking guns, Zardoz
Runners Up:
Implanting Paul Walker's brain into an animatronic T-rex, Tammy And The T-Rex
Hologram disembodied head and Frankenstein resurrection, Frankenstein Island
Projecting a hologram message through a human mouth, Nick Fury: Agent Of Shield
BEST MAGICAL MOMENT
Vin Diesel yeeting his body through a monster, The Last Witch Hunter
Runners Up:
Using cannibal energy to summon zombie warriors, Raw Force
Old lady shapeshifter tricking WolfCop into bestiality sex in a jail cell, WolfCop
Gandalf Raiden electrocuting bad guys, Mortal Kombat
BEST FIGHT
Frank Dux vs. Chong Li, Bloodsport
Runners Up:
Mason Storm vs. convenience store robbers, Hard To Kill
Johnny Cage vs. Scorpion, Mortal Kombat
Crotch-kicking standoff between Paul Walker and Denise Richards' psycho ex-boyfriend, Tammy And The T-Rex
BEST SUBSTANCE ABUSE
Spaghetti consumption, Raw Force
Runners Up:
Everyone on cocaine, Skatetown, U.S.A.
Probably meth?, Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell
WolfCop getting extra strength from alcohol consumption, WolfCop
Unidentified purple smoke drug inhaled out of human skulls, Frankenstein Island
BEST REACTION QUOTE
"Japanese daddy destroys young Belgian bodybuilder." ~ Bryan on the Bloodsport training montage
Runners Up:
"The body count because this guy tried to fuck his robot girlfriend in some bubbles seems at least 1 too high." ~ Susan on Cherry 2000
"They didn't have any olive oil at the dick hospital." ~ Stephen on Hard To Kill
"It's like hearing a zombie sing with a seraphim." ~ Ian on the Sly/Dolly duet in Rhinestone
"I wonder which Easton strip club they emptied out for the actresses in this flick." ~ Ian on Beaster Day: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell
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Round 2 Movies
Movies we watched in 2020
WORST USE OF PROSTHETICS
Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark
Runners Up:
The VelociPastor
Blanka, Street Fighter
MOST CONFUSING USE OF MONSTERS
We have a two-way tie!
ThanksKilling 3 going meta
Floating eyeball + sewer monster, Big Trouble in Little China
​Runners Up:​
Blanka, Street Fighter
Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark
BEST ANIMAL-RELATED DEATH SCENE
Dad's face gets worn as a mask by the ThanksKilling turkey, ThanksKilling
Runners Up:​
​Fighting raptors with a chain, The Jurassic Games
Torn limb-from-limb by zombie giraffes, Zoombies
Backyard BBQ massacre, Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark
Frankie Mermaid the pimp gets eaten, The VelociPastor
​Impaled by candy cane horn, Santa Jaws
BEST USE OF PUPPETRY
Rapping Grandma, ThanksKilling 3
Runners Up:
ThanksKilling turkey
Santa Jaws
Floating eyeball monster, Big Trouble in Little China
WORST PARENTING
Negotiating with extortionists instead of getting real with little Kace, A Wrestling Christmas Miracle
​Runners Up:​
Disciplinarian parents who don't take their son seriously, Santa Jaws
Corey Haim letting his younger brother escalate drug and gang warfare, Prayer of the Rollerboys
Zoo owner whose small daughter had to beat a zombie koala to death with a baseball bat, Zoombies
Monroe's parents clearly not raising him right because he's disrespecting his uncle's job opportunity by fucking off to play volleyball, Side Out
BEST SQUAD
We have a two-way tie!
Old-timey monster squad, Lake Michigan Monster
White supremacist rollerblading youth gang, Prayer of the Rollerboys
Runners Up:
Guile & company, Street Fighter
African Kung-Fu School of the Shadow Snake, African Kung-Fu Nazis
Obese resistance fighters, Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark
LEAST ATTRACTIVE CAST
Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark
Runners Up:
ThanksKilling
5G Zombies
A Wrestling Christmas Miracle
SWEATIEST CAST
Kickboxer
Runners Up:
Post Apocalyptic Commando Shark
Side Out
African Kung-Fu Nazis
BIGGEST HEARTTHROB
Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kickboxer
Runners Up:
Wrongly-convicted dadbod knock-off Sheriff Hopper, The Jurassic Games
Kurt Russell, Escape From New York
Sexy Hitler, African Kung-Fu Nazis
Sexually Active Pastor, The VelociPastor
BEST LEADING LADY
We have a two-way tie!
Wanda Lust, ThanksKilling
​Kim Cattrall, Big Trouble in Little China
Runners Up:​
Nedge Pepsi, Lake Michigan Monster
Kylie Minogue, Street Fighter
Hooker turned martial artist, The VelociPastor
BEST HAIRSTYLE
Assorted neon designs on Dennis Rodman, Double Team
Runners Up:
Kurt Russell's mullet, Big Trouble in Little China
Orange-tinted bleach job on Guile, Street Fighter
Tumbleweed mullet on Corey Haim, Prayer of the Rollerboys
Tong Po's shave braid, Kickboxer
BEST COSTUMING
JCVD's suspender tank top, Kickboxer
Runners Up:
Mossimo volleyball wardrobe, Side Out
Colonial attire and powdered wig, ThanksKilling 3
Laundry basket straw hats, Big Trouble in Little China
Matching trenchcoats, elastic waistband pants and rollerblades, Prayer of the Rollerboys
BEST MONTAGE
Going from zero to volleyball pro, Side Out
Runners Up:
Erotically charged montage of JCVD getting his legs stretched out, Kickboxer
Twerking in the club with DJ Hitler, African Kung-Fu Nazis
Synchronized rollerblading against an apocalyptic sunset, Prayer of the Rollerboys
Choose any acid trip moment, ThanksKilling 3
BEST USE OF GRATUITOUS BOOB
ThanksKilling/ThanksKilling 3
There are no runners up.