Kickboxer

IMDB Synopsis

Kurt Sloane must learn the ancient kick boxing art of Muay Thai in order to avenge his brother.

IMDB Rating: 6.5/10

Our Rating: 8.8/10

Superlatives:

Sweatiest Cast

Biggest Heartthrob: Jean-Claude Van Damme

Best Costuming: Jean-Claude Van Damme's suspender tank top

Our Reviews:

Jean-Claude Van Damme once again plays an American with a Belgian accent, and he and his swarthy, curly-mulleted brother travel to Thailand so the brother can compete in a kickboxing fight. The ugly motherfucker he’s fighting plays extra dirty and paralyzes him, so JCVD decides to go find a Muay Thai master in the jungle and train under him so he can avenge his brother. Everybody in this movie is REALLY sweaty and there are a lot of training montages that entail porny-sounding (and sometimes porny-looking) moaning and groaning from JCVD. The highlight of this movie is a scene in which JCVD’s Muay Thai trainer takes him to a bar, gets him trashed, and then makes him dance-fight a bunch of random dudes while he’s wearing a man-cleavage bearing suspenders tank top. Bonus points for the loin cloth outfits JCVD and ugly motherfucker wear in the final fight scene, which show lots of manbutt.

---

What if doing the splits was a movie?

---

Everyone likes to focus on the JVD leg training, including me, but what we don't focus on enough are the fighter ghosts at the ancient training temple. Those ghosts were real, and they are still fighting.

---

Great movie.

---

Men in relationships with straight women: if you ever find yourself in a situation where your extracurriculars are getting a little predictable and boring, it's not you - it's her, and she needs your help!

Here's how you solve your problem. Step 1: take somewhere between 8 and 12 tequila shots. Step 2: Put on the deepest form-fitting tank top you can find. When I say "deep," I mean "we should all be worried your nips are gonna pop out if you exhale too deeply." Step 3: Are you wearing pants? Are they light grey baggy slacks you'd wear to interview for a real estate agent job in 1988? Of course they are! Step 4: Begin your mating dance! A proper rendition will require lots of little silent claps and a lot of shimmying with your feet rooted to the floor. This is to throw her off the coup-de-grace when you do a full split! Those pants came in handy, didn't they? Step 5: Since you are now in need of medical attention, your lady will be taking you to the ER and your bond is now even stronger. Repeat annually for total success!

---

Its tagline should be "You meant to watch Bloodsport."