Zardoz

IMDB Synopsis

In the distant future, a savage trained only to kill finds a way into the community of bored immortals that alone preserves humanity's achievements.

IMDB Rating: 5.9/10

Our Rating: 6/10

Our Reviews:

The first 10 minutes of this movie are utterly brilliant, and then it devolves into bizarre, trippy, philosophical sci-fi nonsense about classism or some bullshit. It starts out with a group of men in dumpy red speedos with bandoliers and Dothraki braids worshiping a giant, disembodied floating head that pukes guns and tells them that penises are evil—that’s not an exaggeration. In a way that was never clearly explained, Sean Connery ends up in some futuristic society of immortals that are all creepily obsessed with his junk, including performing experiments to try to give him a boner. There’s a house full of old people in formalwear acting like they’re on quaaludes, a woman inexplicably riding a horse topless, poodle wigs on men, awful crocheted crop tops on everyone, and a scene in which Sean Connery literally yeets a woman into some hay after she just stands there unresponsive upon his attempt to sexually assault her. Even though this movie is only like 90 minutes long, it felt like 3 hours. I still genuinely have no idea what was going on, even after reading the detailed plot summary on Wikipedia. The 70’s were fucking weird, man.

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Shortly after watching this film I had a non-coronavirus related fever dream and I'm having trouble recalling where one ended and the other began. Something something giant head puking guns at a semi-clad NRA meeting, yadda yadda yeeting a chick into a haystack, and blah blah hirsute crotches stuffed into red male Leeloo suits.

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I still don't understand the combat wedgies.

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If we ever start puking guns, I'll know it's time to get that speedo outfit out of my closet.

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This 105 minute movie was approximately 100 minutes too long. More gun barfing god-heads monologuing about evil penises, less whatever the fuck the rest of this was.